Even Cullens have their days
by DreamsAreMadeOfVampires
Summary: This is a chronicle of all of the crazy messed up issues the cullens have. Read to find out about Emmett's problem with being deserted on an island and Jasper's inability to detemine which gender a bathroom is for! Please R
1. Chapter 1

Emmett and the DEATH phase

"Come on Emmett!" Rosalie called from the bottom of the stairs.

"I forgot Steven!" I yelled back to her. I couldn't leave Steven behind, not when the rest of the family went on a picnic, that's just rude.

I picked him up out of his little bed set right next to Rose and mines seemingly pointless one.

"Are you ready for a picnic Steven?" I cooed to him. He loves it when I'm affectionate that way. I could tell by the look in those beautiful drawn on eyes.

As usual there was no response; I took it for a yes.

As I came down the stairs I noticed Rosalie glaring at me.

"What?!"

"I'm starting to think you love that thing more than you love me." She hissed.

"Rose, if I got stranded on a deserted island, wouldn't you want to know that I had some one to talk to? Just so I didn't go insane."

"A) You wouldn't get stranded on an island. B) That thing-"

I glared at her darkly. How dare she call Steven a thing. I was pretty sure I could hear him sniffling.

"His name is Steven."

"Since when do golf balls have names? And how do you know it's a he?!" She cried.

I shrugged unable to answer the question. Rose walked away in a huff. I just kind of stood there looking into Steven's eyes. She doesn't understand me like you do Steven. She could never understand me like he does. We have a connection.

"What was that all about?" Edward wanted to know. Bella was standing at his side as always and Jasper was behind him.

"Emmett, the feelings of love I'm getting from you are kind of creeping me out. Were you just talking to that golf ball?"

"STEVEN!" I screamed.

Bella covered her ears and Edward put his hands over hers. He mouthed "Keep it down" to me and glanced at Bella anxiously. She nodded indicating that I hadn't caused any permanent damage to her ears.

"Emmett, didn't Carlisle tell you that your "Getting stranded on a deserted island" fear was irrational?" Jasper asked.

"Steven is not a result of fear. He is my companion."

How dare they question my affection? I love Steven because he is Steven, not because he is a close relative of a movie star known as Wilson. My love runs deep.

"Emmett…"

"Edward, I didn't question your love with Bella."

"Emmett, don't you dare go there!"

"No matter how crazy and random it seemed at the beginning. But now we have seen the light. Bella has become part of our family and Steven will be accepted some day too."

"My life officially has no worth. I have just been compared with a golf ball. Given the golf ball does have a face… oh who am I kidding! Alice!" Bella ran out the front door.

Edward gave me a dirty look, I had just separated him from his one true love. Why couldn't he see that it was the same for me and Steven?

He must've seen the look in my eyes, "Don't open your mouth." He growled, then deserting me.

Jasper looked really uncomfortable, like some one was poking him with a stick. I could tell that he was occasionally glancing at Steven.

"Would you like to hold him?" I asked.

Jasper looked alarmed, "Emmett, this isn't funny. In fact it's sick!" He whispered. "lets go before I make any connection with that…" I glared at him, "Steven."

When we arrived in the meadow the sun was shining full force down upon us. I made a napkin sun hat for Steven; I didn't want him to get a sun stroke. Bella just kind of sat there, next to Edward of course-who had finally agreed to talk to me again- staring at it. No doubt she herself was comparing herself with him.

Rosalie came running up a moment later. "Let's play golf!"

Bella's POV:

Emmett shrieked like nothing I had ever heard before. Once again both Edward's and my hands were covering my ears. Pain, piercing,….really girlish for such a big guy.

"Rose, how could you even suggest such a thing? Are you really that black hearted?"

"Come on Emmett! Please?" Rosalie batted her gorgeous lashes at him.

Emmett picked the……………… Steve……. Up and cradled it to his chest tightly.

"Emmett, don't…" I was broken off by a faint crushing sound. "Crap."

"Oh sh…" Jasper said under his breath.

Alice, Esme and Edward just kind of gave each other awkward and worried glances. And Edward took my hands and placed them over my ears again.

"Steven!!!!!!!" I could hear the shriek as well as I would've without two pairs of hands over my ears. We were all looking at what one might call golf ball ashes. The once personified Steven the golf ball was now just crumbs. "Death by the one who loves him! It's harsh! Why God? Why?!?!?!?!" Emmett cried.

Carlisle put his hand on his sons shoulder and comforted him. It was really awkward seeing a guy like Emmett so distraught. He wasn't crying, but dry sobs shook his whole body.

"We're going to go on a walk." Carlisle mumbled, obviously wondering where he had gone wrong in the supposed raising of his largest son.

"No! We need to have a proper burial!" Emmett insisted.

Apparently throwing Steven into the wind and "On to an eternity of happiness" was Emmetts interpretation of a proper burial. After Steven had caught the wind- well actually he just kind of fell to the ground, but I refused to correct Emmett- Emmett began to sing a final farewell song.

_Ohhhh__, oh, oh, oh, __ohhh__It must have been cold there in my shadow__to never have sunlight on your face.__You were content to let me shine, that's your way.__You always walked a step behind.__So I was the one with all the glory__while you were the one with all the strength.__A beautiful face without a name for so long.__A beautiful smile to hide the pain.__Did you ever know that you're my hero__and everything I would like to be?__I can fly higher than an eagle__for you are the wind beneath my wings.__It might have appeared to go unnoticed__but I've got it all here in my heart.__I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.__I would be nothing without you.__Did you ever know that you're my hero?__You're everything I wish I could be.__I could fly higher than an eagle__for you are the wind beneath my wings.__Did I ever tell you you're my hero?__You're everything, everything I wish I could be.__Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle__for you are the wind beneath my wings,__'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.__Oh, the wind beneath my wings.__You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.__Fly, fly, __fly__ away. You let me fly so high.__Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.__Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.__Fly, fly, fly high against the sky__so high I almost touch the sky.__Thank you, thank you__thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings._

Emmett's POV:

The day was going better now that I had come to a closure with Steven, I had found a new friend in a field mouse I deemed Pete. Pete wasn't quite as cute as Steven had been, but looks aren't important to me. I was to busy finding a connection with Pete to care how ugly or disease infested he looked-According to Edward.

"Pete, you are my new companion. You will help me get through any storm, and you will help me if I ever get stranded on a deserted island. I love you man."

Bella was now staring at the small creature in my hands, probably evaluating her new competition for coolest non vampire in the family. Suddenly she screamed.

"Emmett!" I looked at her blankly.

'Bella, what's wrong?" Edward looked worried.

I couldn't figure out why she looked so freaked out, but I realized why after a hawk flew by and pulled Pete out of my hands so fast I didn't have a chance of saving him. I could see Pete as he flew away from my grasp hanging by his tail on the edge of hawk's talons.

Bella's POV:

You know the drill. The ear covering, the shrieking and the occasional swear word. Poor Emmett.

"I kill everything I come into contact with! I am a destroyer! I don't deserve to live!!!!!"

I stepped forward to comfort him, "Oh Emmett that's not true!"

Edward pulled me back before I got to close, "Let's not test it." I gave him a nasty look.

"I agree." Alice whispered.

"Come on, Emmett does not kill everything he comes in contact with!" Edward, Alice and Jasper all looked at the ground at the same time, "Edward let me go."

Edward gave me one of those "don't question my authority" looks, I just rolled my eyes and he released me.

I walked carefully over to Emmett, hoping my female intuition was right: That I would survive this.

"Emmett, it isn't yo… okay both incidents were just freakish accidents that just happened to happen to you."

Emmett looked hopeful "You think so."

I paused and prayed for a conformation, "I'm positive."

"Oh Bella!" Emmett stood and wrapped his arms around my tightly in a big bear hug.

Suddenly I heard a crack and a singeing pain went through my left arm. Oh crap. Not good. I screamed involuntarily and Emmett immediately dropped me to the ground.

Edward came running. "Bella? Bella? Are you okay?"

"Uh huh. Just fine!" I said, but my voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears. "Get Emmett out of here." I whispered, but my comment came too late, Emmett was already gone.

**This is just part one of Emmett's little phase, I hope to have phase two out soon! I hope you loved it! R&R**


	2. Chapter 2

Bella's POV

"How long are we going to wait for him to come back?" I asked looking hopefully at Edward.

He just looked down at his watch and sighed.

"Edward?"

"He should have been back by now, unless he killed something else."

"Edward! Emmett didn't kill anything, they were all just freakish accidents!" I protested. Edward turned his head slightly and looked at me from the corner of his eye as if to say "Yeah, things constantly die when he's around, must be a coincidence. Lets go see what he can do."

I didn't like it, somebody had to go after him and make sure he was okay. This was just plain stupid leaving him out there to fend for himself. What if he decides to do something dangerous?

Suddenly a shriek rang through the forest, "I am a hermit! Leave me be, I will kill you!" There was a little sob at the end.

"Crap Edward, we have to go find him." The look on Carlisle's face told me that he agreed.

Emmett's POV:

I had come to one conclusion: I would become an outcast, a hermit. Maybe I wouldn't kill anyone that way…or maybe I would just kill unseen bacteria. Yes, I could live with it if I didn't see it. I would live in a cave…like…like…like…like…like…damnit! Who lives in a cave?!?!?! Whatever, I would live in a cave and I would eat… dirt because I do not want to kill plants. Those leaves are alive, I've seen them under microscopes and dang do those little buggers party. Anyway… I would live in a cave… and change my name to… Chief lone not-wolf. And my theme song would be… (Emmett begins singing)…(Off Key)…(Shield your ears!)

_One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do__Two can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one__No is the saddest experience you'll ever know__Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know__cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever know__one is the loneliest number even worst then two__yeah__its just no good anymore since you went away__now I spend my time just making up rhymes of yesterday__one is the loneliest number__one is the loneliest number__one is the loneliest number__since you went away__since you went away__(one is the loneliest number since you've gone away)__one is the loneliest number__one is the loneliest number__one is the loneliest number__since you've gone away__Its just no good anymore since you went away__now I spend my time just making up rhymes of yesterday__one is the loneliest number__one is the loneliest number__one is the loneliest number__since you went away__since you went away_

(Emmett has had his eyes closed the whole time he was singing this, the following occurs when he has finished serenading the forest.)

I had finished me beautiful theme song that was way better than spider man's when it hit me… an acorn hit me. I cried out in pain.

"Thank you God! I deserve this punishment! Smite me…not too hard…"

I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded…by squirrels. They were scary, demon looking squirrels with dark black eyes and this weird, frightening smile…. I said smite me, I meant with lightening. Couldn't you have a little bit of mercy?!?!? Squirrels? Why demonic squirrels?!?!?!

"Emmett," they sang in unison… "Emmett."

"No! Back you evil rats...bunnies….S-Q-U-I-R-R-E-L-S! Squirrels!" I screamed horrified by their elmo-ish voices. "Leave me be! I do not wish to harm you! Please do not wish to harm me!"

The squirrels just stared as if they were planning which part of me to claim. I had always imagined death as a happy event… no maybe that was my birthday party… anyway, being eaten by possessed squirrels was not on my list of fun things to do.

"I am a hermit! I will leave you in peace! Leave me be, I will kill you!"

The squirrels came in a rush and I began running for my life. "Back you evil creatures, go eat someone else! What is this the squirrel family thanksgiving? Don't you want to eat something juicy and warm?" I shrieked, "EAT MORE WEREWOLF! EAT MORE WEREWOLF! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED EAT MORE WEREWOLF!"

They stopped and stared at me as if suddenly enlightened. I had just successfully communicated with the rodents.

A very large squirrel suddenly squeaked, "To La Push!" And they where gone and I believe my death curse followed them.

When Bella, Edward and the others finally found me nobody dropped dead. They did however ask me why I was screaming. They didn't get that answer until Jacob Black showed up looking tattered and carrying a small piece of paper with the words EET MOR WERWOLV scrawled across it.

"The squirrels told me… What?!?!?! No, I do not talk to squirrels. I thought the squirrels told me that a very large pale man who sang like Britney Spears inspired their werewolf hunt."

There is more, but I'll save that for another day.

**There you are, the end of ****Emmetts**** death phase, hope you liked it. If you did review and go to the poll on my profile and vote for it!**


End file.
